| (no subject) |
[Aug. 29th, 2004|10:45 pm] |
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my birthday is saturday. i don't know if i'm going to the emerson or not, but i guess we'll see. i don't want to be seventeen. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 2nd, 2004|01:51 am] |
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long time no see. all i have to say is cody is a god, and marijuana has become one of my best friends recently. i miss some of you crackers that i no longer talk to. most of you don't even like me anymore, i'm sure. whatever. still. my mood will not die and i own all. that's all there is to it. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 25th, 2004|09:01 pm] |
After doing a lot of thinking and trying to figure out how to get my life back on track without focusing on all the bad things going on in life, I've finally figured out some things that it will take to turn me back into the person that I used to be: the carefree, happy, outspoken mother fucker. I don't want to be involved in all of this high school drama anymore because I don't have to be. I don't want to be involved with any of the people that have been bringing me down. I don't want to be involved with the people that have no clue what they're doing with their lives and are relying on everyone else to help them. I don't want anything to do with anyone who wants to talk to me only when they need someone to feel sorry for them. I'm over it all. I'm over everything. It may seem selfish, but I'm convinced that taking myself away from everyone that is holding me back from becoming the person I need to be will make everything as good as it can be for me.
As a result of this, I'll be getting rid of this LiveJournal, my various other diaries at various places online, and all my e-mail/screen name accounts that I now have. We all know I cannot live without the Internet and the things on it that keep me sane, so I gotta get some new shit. Which is gonna suck, haha. So within a few days, this will all be gone.
After reading this, you might possibly be wondering if this change will include dropping any of you. Well, I can think of a few of you that will be dropped, but we'll save that for when the time comes. Until then, if you want me to add you to my new LJ and want my new e-mail and screen name, let me know. I'm not taking any initiative for anything until I'm ready. I love you, mother fuckers.
new lj: aneonnothing
add me there and i might add you back. |
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| it hurts feeling the way i do. |
[May. 24th, 2004|11:04 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | konstantine - something corporate | ] |
"there's just something about
us.. we have something special,
and..i love you, bobbi.."
i'm not sure whether or not i should go
to bed with a huge smile upon my face
because those words are something that
i think i've been wanting to hear for
ages, or if i should go cry like i've
never cried before because despite that
and the other things he said while we
were talking on the telephone...
we still are not together.
i guess one good thing is that i'll get to see him for nearly two minutes tomorrow evening. hug please. |
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| i need a random person to have sex with. |
[May. 24th, 2004|06:56 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  cynical | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | wait - something corporate. | ] |
hold on love
even when i cry all night
even when i say i don't love you
just hold on love
so my head gets a little cloudy
and the drink goes straight to my heart
the the words come like a runaway train
in the dark
just hold on love
even when i scream and fight
even when i swear i don't love you
just hold on tight
and when the darkness falls over
like a storm cloud in my head
something inside says it's easier
to push you away but stay and
hold on love
even when i cry all night
even when i swear i don't love you
just hold on love
just hold on love
just hold on love
"hold on love" - azure ray |
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| i owe you nothing. |
[May. 23rd, 2004|10:58 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  melancholy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | that outspoken truth song is stuck in my head. | ] |
youth group was horrible. that's all there is to it. jonathan is 'dating' some mandy chick. she said so. luke said so. but he denies it. he says they're 'just friends.' ha. i wish i could believe him. i really, really do. it's just so hard given everything that's going on these days. we talked at the end, after i went off on him in my mind, but was really telling him he needed to make an ultimate decision by the end of the night. he said he does in fact want to be with me but still needs a little time. i told him i'm tired of hurting like this. i hope he listened.
it's beautiful outside right now. this is the best thunderstorm we've had in a long while, i think. i layed out on my porch for about fifteen minutes earlier. the first five it was just thundering with a few lightning bolts here and there. then it began to pour. lightning constantly for a few consecutive minutes. i loved it. i'm soaked. i'm not even going to bother changing my clothes before bed. my pillow smells like jonathan still, which is amazing because i don't think he's touched it in about two weeks. i think this is the first time i've ever actually wanted to get rid of the traces of himself he's left behind.
i wish i could do the same for every inch of my body he's touched and ruined. i feel sick to my stomach. i want to curl up next to him on my living room floor, though. and if i were, i don't think i would ever want to move. okay, so fuck. i just need to be held. off i go to my precious futon to cry and lie there wanting someone to hold me.
i really hope joe [mariah's joe] gets to come over tomorrow. we're getting wasted. i hope. mmmm.
wallaby, please. |
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| i'm wondering why i got out of bed at all. |
[May. 22nd, 2004|08:21 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | thank you - dido. | ] |
i don't think there's much for me to say.
today was good, yet horrible at the same
time. i hung out with jonathan, heather,
joe and cliff. i'm locked out of my house
so i got a ride to my grandma's. no nikki
and trish for me. that = heartbreaking. i
am so serious. i'll be fine, i'll be fine.
i'm definitely hanging out with them as
soon as possible now. i think i might go
to the youth group adam started going to
since he was kicked out of ours with him
tomorrow. maybe. depending on whether i
go to tammy's church with her or not. i
would much rather do that. but it'd be
cool to get to know adam more. hmm. we'll
see i guess. hmph. gotta talk to jonathan
about everything tonight. if it doesn't
get sorted out, we'll have a heartbroken
bobbi on our hands and then she'll be on
the rebound. god, i am such a girl now. :x
and heather, i thank you for taking that
picture without me knowing it. haha. i
love it. seriously. ugh. depresfjkljlks.fd
yeh. thanks. :X cock, cigarette, cock. oh
and by the way - cliff did give me those
newports. -bats eyelashes- it was secret. ;]
( my preciouses. )
^ you won't like that picture. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 22nd, 2004|11:05 am] |
spent the day at the mall yesterday. got a ticket from some undercover cop fucker. that's why we don't smoke at the mall, right? wrong. i planned on going right around to the other entrance. but guess what. i couldn't. why? he took my fucking cigarettes.
adam's party isn't today. he had a minor car accident.
i still need to call trish to see if she can hang out tonight. i hope we do. that way..i can hang out with both her and nikki. and we all know everyone wishes they could do that.
if we're not together by tomorrow, i'm not going to king's island. and that money is going to my stupid fucking ticket. ugh. he called this morning. wants to hang out in about an hour. maybe. if he doesn't get a hold of that one guitar guy.
i think i want joe, by the way. mmmm. the twenty-four year old one. not any of the others. mhm, yeh. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 19th, 2004|02:21 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  energetic | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | seeeeeeeeeeeeeether. | ] |
trish and i cut out of school before last block.
we came to my apartment, dropped shit off, and
went to the mall. good stuff, good stuff. talked
to that one gorgeous guy in hot topic whose name
i never remember the entire time then came back
home. talked to trish in the car for awhile and
am determined to stick closely to her for forever.
she's going back to manual next year which really
sucks. but we'll get through it because we're all
just that fucking cool. we made her cry at lunch.
:( aw. poor bebedoll. it's all good. she, nikki,
david and i will just have to have lots of futon
sex or something. well, minus david. he can film.
mooha. mmm. dunno what i'm going to do today. i'm
home forty minutes early. i'll probably walk to
the bus stop and fuck with people. uhm. uhm. yeh.
i 'unno. i'm out of here, though. i want jonathan
to get home because i fell asleep in second block
after my final and had a little dream about him
and woke up and criiiied. ugh. soooooooo....... |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 18th, 2004|09:55 pm] |
me: did you just call me a rhino testicle?
cody: i wish.
so instead of studying for finals, i spent
my day on the phone with jonathan and cody
instead. ha, i'm going to be screwed when i
get to school. but do i care? no. because i
talked to cody and jonathan. cody made me
feel so much better. but then again, he has
always had that affect on me. which is great.
jonathan calling made everything seem better.
completely. cody made me laugh a lot, which
is definitely something i've been needing.
tonight wasn't too bad when it came to those
two. too bad i can't have more nights like
this one. ha. time to go lie on my mom's
bedroom floor waiting for jonathan to call
back. but luck has it...that he won't now. |
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| cigarettes and razorblades are keeping me alive. |
[May. 17th, 2004|04:40 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | cigarette - yellowcard. | ] |
it's times like these when i
wish my cd burner wasn't dead.
i am in dire need of a mix to
carry around and listen to while
i am lying on my bathroom floor.
it's definitely over between him
and me. i didn't think i'd take
it this badly. i really didn't.
maybe if he weren't lying as much
as he obviously is...dream on, eh?
thirty-four and counting. eat it. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 14th, 2004|11:21 pm] |
the show tonight was horrible.
but miasma was good. surprise.
and dodson was there. i about
shit my pants when i saw him
walking towards me. i guess he
is in miasma or something now?
he was talking about it, but i
was focused on jonathan and his
nose - his nose that was murdered
by a bathroom window that fell.
man... i hope he's okay. i didn't
talk to him much because he was in
a huge hurry to leave. but that's
okay. i didn't want to talk to
him or anyone else anyway. so okay,
i just lied. whatever. i can pretend.
feel kinda bad because adam took
the time to come over and try to
talk to me but i was recovering
from my fucking panic attack and
was toooooo fucking messed up to
hold a conversation. whateverrrr.
i lied whenever anyone asked what
was wrong. i said that i missed
tyler. which is partially true, but
that's not what had me so upset.
so sorry to whomever i told that to.
i didn't feel like being honest
tonight. oops. my bad. sorry.
i'm off to bed. goodnight all. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 13th, 2004|12:11 am] |
by the way-
english grade = 91% B+
my heart fucking broke.
from a 97 to 91? can someone please explain to me
how in the FUCK that happens? seriously. please?
and i'm definitely not going to cali now. no matter
what. i'm sick of the lies, the guilt trips and just
the bullshit altogether. i've moved on. he should too. |
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| if i hurt you, then i'm sorry. |
[May. 12th, 2004|11:39 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | horrible - jack off jill. | ] |
dustin just left. he stayed here last night because his mom kicked him out. he was going to stay here tonight but called his dad and he came to get him. i'm glad he went home. that's where he needs to be. but i'm glad i was able to be here for him when he desperately needed someone. i feel a little better about myself.
i talked to cody today for a few hours. that was really good. nice conversation, nothing too ridiculous and stupid or in-depth and thought provoking. i miss him. sometimes i wish my mom would decide to move out to the ben davis area or avon like she had said just so i could see him and talk to him more often. it's friends like him and *her* that i never wanted to lose and it's obvious i've lost/am losing both of them.
saw luke tonight over at the church. he's definitely adorable. i think i might be able to go to the emerson now. i had two rides offered. i'd prefer one big time, but i'm kind of scared of what that might do to me. added a lot more confusion, but it's a confusion that i like. other one was that melissa chick i sortakinda met saturday night. dustin is going to come by tomorrow if he can and let me know if she can take us. if my meeting with jeanette [lady i might babysit for] goes well, i'll probably go. i really want to go and i really want to see *her* if she goes.
i don't want to sit here and talk about *that*, but it's hard and this is the only place i can do it so fuck it. i'm not hiding anything anymore. i'll admit that i miss her, and i'll admit i was wrong. but i wasn't the only one.
while talking to cody today, i brought up something to him that i've not been able to bring up to anyone else. i've had it bottled up for almost a month. but i let it out. and he sort of gave me his insight on things. it helped. until i talked to dustin about it also. he pretty much thinks that i'm stupid. but that's okay. i'll admit it. i am. ha. well. yes. it's almost midnight and i'm going to try and sleep before then tonight. i love you guys. sorry for my crap. maybe happy postings will come back soon? |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 11th, 2004|11:57 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | lethargic | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | konstantine - something corporate. | ] |
i feel weird going to bed at around midnight and having dustin in my living room, sleeping on my couch.
i had an amazing day today, for the most part, though. from around six or so on, that is. i'll tell about it tomorrow. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 11th, 2004|03:03 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | lonely | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | everytime - britney spears. | ] |
i didn't leave, you know. you wanted me gone so you could better yourself. i'm not really gone. i'm still here. but like you said, the distance needs kept. i'm just obeying wishes like the good dog that i am.
trish was in school. it was good. she kept me sane in geography and study hall. i think that i really need to go take some shit and sleep all night. i feel empty again.
i need jonathan.
oh. and no emerson for me thursday. no ride up there. sorry kids. |
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| dream on? |
[Apr. 16th, 2004|12:07 am] |
maybe someday
i will see you again
and you'll look me in my eyes
and you'll call me your friend |
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| I am a little teapot. |
[Apr. 13th, 2004|06:26 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | bitchy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | jaws theme swimming - brand new. | ] |
I want everyone who reads this to ask me 3 questions, no more & no less.
Ask me anything you want.
Then I want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends (including myself) to ask you anything. |
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